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E. Shaun
March 14th, 2011, 12:33 PM
I don't want to detract from the SlippySmiley thread, but having read through the responses there, I wonder -- how many of you folks have met your spouse / significant other online?

I "met" my wife a little over three years ago on a hockey forum. For several months I was very embarrassed to admit that I'd found someone online (on a hockey forum, no less), but now that we've been together for a few years, happily married and me having immigrated to the U.S. etc., I don't find our origins at all embarrassing. Maybe there's something about proving the relationship's legitimacy that takes the stigma away. Or maybe it's because relationships that originate online are no longer uncommon.

Personally, I found that getting to know my wife via phone and email for a few months before I first met her in person created a deeper fusion than if it had been otherwise. When we DID finally meet in person, I felt completely comfortable around her, and it was only a matter of three more months before I proposed...no trace of doubt in my mind then or now.

So who among us has met his or her partner in a similar fashion? What are your thoughts on relationships with online origins?

J.G.
March 14th, 2011, 12:42 PM
Tuba & I connected first online, via mp3.com where we were workin' our debut solo albums. One fine day both were spotlighted on a virtual radio station and eventually, boom, Bob was our online uncle.

I think that these days, more and more relationships, be them of the friendly nature or more, are sprouting online and like ole Jerrrr says, NTTAWWT.

: J

Wide-O
March 14th, 2011, 01:18 PM
I still met my wife via analog. I'm highly doubtful of those ITB marriages. :grin:

MacGregor
March 14th, 2011, 01:56 PM
I still met my wife via analog. I'm highly doubtful of those ITB marriages. :grin:

What he said.

BTW, I first met Wide-O online, and I doubt we'll ever get married.


Ahem :headpalm:

Mac
.

Fulcrum
March 14th, 2011, 04:24 PM
Oh, man.. I think Slippy and SBG are the exception that proves the rule. What that rule is, I have no idea.

I've met a lot of women via Facespace and the odd free dating site, and most of them were broken; in fact they're there because they're broken and don't want to be alone.

The first of these turned out to be a raging narcissist that fucked my head up for at least a year and a half before I was able to assess the situation with some perspective and finally put her in my rear view mirror. The irony of that situation is that I wasn't necessarily broken before I hooked up with her, but she left me broken (and she herself is still broken, though being a narcissist and a triple Scorpio she will never ever admit her own culpability) and looking to those dating sites because I too was broken and didn't want to be alone.

The others I've met since then ITB somehow believe that it's not their responsibility to fix themselves, that someday their prince will come and solve all their issues with the patience of Job, the kindness of Mother Teresa, the manhood of Ron Jeremy, and (especially) the money of Donald Trump.

The woman I'm kinda sorta dating now seems to have most of herself in order (with a few personal issues that she herself might reckon may or may not be in her best interest to fix). I met her at a gig and not ITB.

Go figure.

E. Shaun
March 14th, 2011, 05:48 PM
Oh, man.. I think Slippy and SBG are the exception that proves the rule. What that rule is, I have no idea.

I've met a lot of women via Facespace and the odd free dating site, and most of them were broken; in fact they're there because they're broken and don't want to be alone.

I think there's some truth in that, actually.

I'm guessing that the reason why Slippy and Smiley (and to a lesser extent, my wife and I) are the exception to the rule is that, so far as I'm aware, they weren't actively looking to find someone online. It sort of sprung up organically (with some mousematchmaking). Likewise with my wife and I. While I was on eHarmony at the time and going on various dates etc., our relationship sprung up from a place where we weren't looking for anything. It just sort of happened. I remember having one date scheduled with a French girl after my wife and I were in the most preliminary stage of online "courting". I remember hoping that the date would go poorly, as I was keenly interested in pursuing my eventual wife, despite the 3000 mile distance between us. Three years later we're happily married, have been living together in the U.S. for over a year, and really couldn't ask for anything more. It's been great.

Finding someone online is never the ideal route, but it does tend to cut away the knee-jerk reaction on a physical level. I'd be willing to bet that if my wife had met me in a bar or something, she wouldn't have been interested in me physically (she's four inches taller than me, to begin with). But having got to know each other very well via phone and email, something like that turns out to be a very minor detail, relegated to the occasional light-hearted jibe now and again.

Love can be found in many places. Online is simply a new (but no less legitimate) frontier.

Keks
March 14th, 2011, 06:04 PM
I still met my wife via analog. I'm highly doubtful of those ITB marriages. :grin:

Weee.
"ITB love affair" would make a helluva record title...


all the best,
the keks,



PS "mating in the analog domain" as a record title is only appaling on first sight, me thinks...

Pimp-X
March 14th, 2011, 07:38 PM
I met my wife at school, when we were 11. Now here we are somewhere lurking around middle age. We didn't have no stinkin' internets back then. Had to do all my lying and bragging in person or on the telephone.

TubaSolo
March 14th, 2011, 07:46 PM
the patience of Job, the kindness of Mother Teresa, the manhood of Ron Jeremy, and (especially) the money of Donald Trump.

Chorus lyrics, right there. :lol:

Fulcrum
March 14th, 2011, 08:19 PM
Chorus lyrics, right there. :lol:

Well, I do seem to have a penchant for lyrics.

On the other side of the coin, the bassist in my band met his GF on a Weezer forum. He's here in the 203, she's in Virginia. They see each other every other weekend and have Skype for the other ten or so days. So far so good; they're both happy.

Do not get me started on long-distance relationships. My first resulted in marriage; the others (New Jersey and two count 'em two in upstate New York) were the broken ones. Had about enough of that karma.

Smileyblue
March 14th, 2011, 08:21 PM
It think it has to do with a bunch of things.

1. I agree with E-shaun. I found online to be better for getting to know the person really well before we met in person. Like E-shaun, when we finally met we were very comfortable with each other and there were no pretenses or exaggerated expectations. It was like we had known each other for years. We were friends first and as such discussed in our many phone conversations just about everything about ourselves.

2. Honesty is a huge part of it.

3. It helps that it is a long distance thing. Reason is, if you can survive a long distance relationship for a long time and you put in the time and effort to travel to see the other person, it makes you care about the relationship more. You are less willing to give up on it. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

4. In E-shaun and JG's cases as well as my own, we dated outside our own countries. JG (Canada), Tuba Solo (France), E-shaun (Canada), E-shaun's Wife (USA), Slippy (USA) and myself (Australia).

5. My other tip is, travel with the person. If you can go on a couple of week vacation with the other person and not want to kill yourself afterwards, and have a good time, your golden. Traveling, especially in a place you have never been to before, and are likely to get lost in, is the ultimate test of whether you are going to be able to live with this person for the long haul.

I'm not saying that is the way to happiness, obviously you have to be compatible with the other person, but it seems to be working for us all.

Goes211
March 14th, 2011, 09:03 PM
30 years together, 27 years married in June this year.
I still don't know how it works.
But it does.
And there's nothing like it.
She's my winning lottery ticket and my biggest hit.
And I don't take ANYTHING for granted.
I happily work at it EVERY day.

CaptainHook
March 14th, 2011, 09:20 PM
My GF of 6 years+ (and still going) i met online. :)

Fulcrum
March 14th, 2011, 09:47 PM
It think it has to do with a bunch of things.

1. I agree with E-shaun. I found online to be better for getting to know the person really well before we met in person. Like E-shaun, when we finally met we were very comfortable with each other and there were no pretenses or exaggerated expectations. It was like we had known each other for years. We were friends first and as such discussed in our many phone conversations just about everything about ourselves.

That was my thinking too, when I was first separated and I was getting to know the first of the broken women (down in the Red Bank area). But that leads us directly to your second observation:


2. Honesty is a huge part of it.

So very true.

I was honest; in the end, she wasn't. She couldn't even be honest with herself about where she fell short or about much of anything, but how was I to know that just from exchanging e-mails on Myspace? Or the subsequent late night phone calls that gave no indication of a troubled spirit or an underlying personality disorder?

The Internet is a very rich source of supply for a narcissist, who will say the things you want to hear and put on a false face with the ease of a Shakespearean actor moving into and out of roles in order to lure you in. I had thought my eyes were wide open when in fact they had yet to be opened to how fully someone can devastate a person. Her words (which told me we weren't going to ever be a committed couple) and her actions (which told me that we already were) were 180 degrees out of phase.

And when she found a new source of narcissistic supply, she cut me off cold, only contacting me when she needed something only I could give her, and ignoring me otherwise. I spent a year wondering what I'd done before I realized I hadn't done anything: that this is what she was, and is. I hear that she's pregnant now with someone else's child, and I fear for that child. And for the father, the day he realizes what she is.

I say this not to refute anything you're saying SB, but to serve as a cautionary tale to anyone else who might be thinking about going online to find a relationship: predators are out there, and not all of them are male.


3. It helps that it is a long distance thing. Reason is, if you can survive a long distance relationship for a long time and you put in the time and effort to travel to see the other person, it makes you care about the relationship more. You are less willing to give up on it. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

I would say that it can help but doesn't necessarily. It helped when my future wife was living in York PA for a year and I was going back and forth every other weekend, and conversely when I lived in Binghamton NY for six months and she came and saw me every other weekend. It helped because we were committed to make it work, and for the reasons you specified.

It didn't help with the others, the first of whom was, again, a narcissist (and by definition an addict—not to drugs, but to herself), and wasn't committed to much of anything except her own pleasure; whether I got anything (let alone pleasure) out of it was of no concern to her whatsoever. When I realized what had happened to me, it really did fuck me up for a while. And the two or three who came after her were themselves wounded and didn't want a guy who was also wounded, let alone also unemployed and domiciled in his parents' basement.

I can at least say that I've come through the worst of it, and offer my own experience as a reminder to one and all to keep. Your. Eyes. Open.


5. My other tip is, travel with the person. If you can go on a couple of week vacation with the other person and not want to kill yourself afterwards, and have a good time, your golden. Traveling, especially in a place you have never been to before, and are likely to get lost in, is the ultimate test of whether you are going to be able to live with this person for the long haul.

I'm not saying that is the way to happiness, obviously you have to be compatible with the other person, but it seems to be working for us all.

That's an excellent point and worth bearing in mind. I shall have to try that when the opportunity presents itself.. and it may, in the near future. :vuvu:

I apologize for the rant, but I wonder if it isn't germane to the discussion at hand after all. You and Slippy are definitely the exception (in my experience) and you know that I wish you both nothing but the best. And I am pleased to hear of E Shaun's joy with his lady.

But because of my experience, I have to take match.com's claim of success rates with people finding life partners and twin flames with an ocean's worth of salt.

dnafe
March 14th, 2011, 10:00 PM
Great Points Smiley and all very true