View Full Version : R.I.P. My womb. Wow, that looks even worse than it sounds.

David Aurora
April 30th, 2007, 01:53 PM
Well, that's all folks!

Just did my last session in here, from tomorrow I start demolishing the rooms and by this time next week I'll be a freelance dude. So if anyone knows of any decent gigs............have ears, will travel :lol: :lol: :lol:

Funny how at times like this you get that mix of emotions. "Shit, should I be doing this??? What if this is it and I never build my own place again? What if I can't get enough decent work freelance and I have to get a real job again???!!! AAAAAARGH!!!!!". Actually I was thinking about getting a regular job when I closed but then I thought fuck it, why would I want be a fucking trainee somewhere when I've trained so fucking hard in my field. So I'm going freelance til I build the new womb next year.

Anyways, the last bit of hesitation just got kicked out of me. My very last session.....ahhh....that golden memory I will take as the last memory of this studio.......

Singer rings a couple hours before session...."Hey man.......(pause here to illustrate how slow this fucker talks and thinks)......is our booking today?". "Yeah dude, 5PM just like you booked". "Oh....I gotta see if I can get the band there......"......"!!!!!!!"......."Yeah, we might be a bit late...."

Now at this point I hatch an ingenious plan. The guy is nice enough, so I don't wanna offend him, but he sucks ass and I could skip the money to not see him. And does this every fucking time, and is always even later than the lateness he warns of. So I figure play along, "sure, you can come in at 5:30/6PM dude.....", and then at 6:01PM I fuck off and I have a solid excuse.

But the guitarist from another band shows to pay the bass players share due to the bass player going awol on payday. And he's a really cool guy who I haven't had much of a chance to chat to during sessions so we're standing round shooting the shit til about 5:55PM when shitbrick calls. "Hey man, we're at Mermaid Beach....(25 minutes from the studio)....we'll be there in 10, is that cool?". "Uh dude....have you already left? Cause to be honest if you haven't don't bother coming, I can't be bothered waiting". "Yeah man, we're driving over now". "Fuck. OK, see ya soon".

So the guitarist from the band with the absent minded/funded bass player and I continue chatting til the band arrives then he bails.

Singer, who is dumb as dog shit, walks in and when I tell him that he's only got til 8:30PM now cause he booked 3 hours from 5PM and it's now about 6:30PM. He looks at me like I just fucked his grandmothers rotting corpse, then it changes to that look dogs give you when you try to teach them to operate heavy machinery while drunk, then I have to explain like 3 times why showing up an hour and a half late doesn't mean the engineer is gonna stay back later to make up for it.

Did I mention he's dumb as dog shit?

So anyways, he arrived with the bass/conga player. They tell me the drummer is just round the corner (yeah, if round the corner is 10 minutes away you whistling S noise making fuck.). So after massive confusion due to the fact this guy can't even spell his name let alone hold up a conversation, we establish that the guy with him plays bass/congas, the drummer is on the way, and due to time restraints we're gonna lay down the drums/bass/vocals/guitar live and overdub congas. Well, that's what me and the bass/conga player (who turned out to be a cool guy, average conga player and shit bass player) worked out as a logical plan. See, most guys I've heard can't manage to play bass and congas simultaneously.

But the singer showed us the error of our ways. "Nah.....just switch like you did at the gig the other night". "Dude, that means there's no bass in half the songs. This way we get a full band sound, then we overdub congas". And I but in....."As long as we get time...".

"Nah man, the congas are our sound. This is fucked. There's no point recording if we won't get congas on there...."

I let the band argue it out for 5 minutes while becoming mildly aroused daydreaming about the singer falling in a vat of acid or being raped by a porcupine. Then about one porcupine thrust short of getting a woody, an idea smacks me in the head.

"Well fuck dude, I don't want you to hate your demo. Obviously since you turned up late we have time restrictions, and we can't record everything. Why don't we just cancel and I won't charge for the time we've stood around trying to get it all happening?"

I struggle to keep a grin off my face. It's like that scene in blazing saddles. "Baby....you are SO TALENTED!.....and they are SO DUMB!"

"Nah man, we came a long way for this, let's just have him alternate song by song". The bass player crumbles and goes for it.

You're fucking kidding me.

Drummer arrives and sets up where we tell him. Kick has some padding.....as in at least 2 blankets and what I think was a teddy bear. It was just fucking packed solid in there, totally stuffed tight. I removed one blanket and looking at the torn skins and massive rippling through the shell I figure "Haha fuck this for a joke, what the fuck do I care after how late these fucks are???", so I leave the remaining shit in the kick and walk out for mics.

Then I hear the drums. Think St. Anger, but with more ring and a more annoying frequency. Not the kind of thing you can notch out a bit, I mean the whole fucking sound was the ring. "Haha, awesome" I thought, "this is really gonna suck ass. I can't wait to show someone". Hats were those Paiste 402 thingys, but in black. I swear to god, they were just fucked. The crash was about the same, and his one beat to shit tom sucked too.

Long story short, I had stopped caring long ago so I jammed the whole band in together (I was too lazy to plug in 3 extra leads to separate the singer in another room). Acoustic had too much bleed so I D.I.'d it to see how bad I could make this demo sound. "I don't usually D.I. guitars man, but this is a special situation". "Oh, ok. What sounds better?". "Sounds better miked. D.I's sound like shit. Anywho, we're D.I'ing". Bass was just line out from the amp, chucked up a vocal mic, and kick/snare/tom/overheads.

"Are you miking the kick? (He said this right after he watched me mic up the kick, and with a miked kick 2 feet in front of him. I was standing there a couple metres away miking other shit, it couldn't have been more than 60 seconds since I miked it) Hey, man.....Hey,.....umm....I can't hear the bass (drum)....hey.....dude.....you havent miked my kick....I can't hear it...are you gonna mic the kick?? Will you be listening to us in the control room? Do you have speakers in there?". This went on for a few minutes with me just mumbling yeah to whatever he said. I took a guess that he was the singers brother cause he was dumber than a shipping container crammed full of dumbfuck, and this guess was later proven to be true. Must be inbred I figured,with the speech impediments and mis-shaped heads and shit.

Anyways, as I'm walking back into the hall he's still fucking asking for the 50th time (in a really arrogent, cunty tone too) "why can't I fucking hear my bass drum? It sounds shit without the blanket too. This is shit. I can't hear the bass drum". Then his dumb fuck brother uses his whole families intelligent statements up for a year and exclaims "Of course you can't hear the fucking bass drum you stupid fuck. There aren't any speakers or headphones in the whole goddamn room. Where the hell do you think the sound of your bass drum is gonna come from????????".

(insert sound of band and myself hitting the deck in laughter at the drummer)

Anyways, I HAVE TO post some highlights. They wasted my time with lateness, shit gear and shit playing, and even tried to stiff me $10 at the end (though the bass player quickly pulled it out of his wallet in disgust at the others). I spent all of about 3 seconds mixing so let's not send this to the critique forum just yet. I tried to capture the band in it's true glory without enhancing anything and I think I captured it. Actually I'm sure I did, cause they thought the sound and performance was solid and kept applauding themselves on playback. I had to leave the room multiple times suppressing fits of laughter.

So here it is. The first clip is them slaughtering a JBT tune, the second showcases the snare sound (no, it wasn't a second snare for effect, that's his snare) and the general tightness of the band, and the third shows their amazing knack for tuning instruments. I know it's not really cool to post peoples material without permission, so mods I understand if you delete it...but seriously I don't see these guys going platinum anytime soon. And seeing as they're the kind of guys who eat snot, I doubt they will find this forum. I'm not the kind of guy to slack off on my last day, but these guys sucked AND pissed me off so I went for revenge. The truly scary part is this guy has come in here about 3 times and this is the best he's ever sounded :icon_eek: . Actually no, the scariest part is they have regular gigs. In public. Where there's people.


(God, now I'm scared people are gonna think this is what I've been doing with my time. And then Cary's gonna ask what plugins I used. In case it's not abundantly clear.......this isn't what my work sounds like....not since I got some tips from Cary anyway.....)

Tim Halligan
April 30th, 2007, 02:44 PM

Y'know...if you killed them...

and if you got caught...

no jury would ever convict you based on that clip alone.


Freelance will be no different.



April 30th, 2007, 03:00 PM
Good stuff right there.

April 30th, 2007, 04:19 PM
Freelance will be no different.

Except that when he fucks off when the band don't show, he doesn't have to say for a half hour to lock up...

April 30th, 2007, 04:37 PM
You just brightened up my morning with this delightful tale.

How great would it have been for them to show up late and find the building getting destroyed by a wrecking ball with all their stuff in it?

Best of luck in whatever the future brings.

April 30th, 2007, 04:54 PM

Not for love or money. They probably killed the very last vibe in the room, huh?


April 30th, 2007, 06:48 PM
Brilliantly bad.
I've had people like that who are dreadful.
The worst thing is if you make them sound half decent....then they think theyre even better!
I had this guy who couldnt play guitar and I looped a chord or two and made a solo from his attempts at solos. Anyway...he thought he was Hendrix but was truly like someone who had picked up a guitar for the first time.
Your clip made me laught out loud...and my eyes water....in fact I just laughed again.
Ah... the memories you'll take with you.
Good luck with it all.

April 30th, 2007, 10:26 PM
"The congas are our sound."

April 30th, 2007, 10:46 PM
"Re: R.I.P. My womb. Wow, that looks even worse than it sounds."

It looked like some kind of farewell to the womb forum and you realising, that you where being kind of a drama queen. :lol:

It looks as if you had a jolly good time :grin:

April 30th, 2007, 10:51 PM
Quick, someone sign them up!!!

This should have had a warning on it, you owe me a new keyboard for my laptop!

April 30th, 2007, 10:53 PM
I suppose if you had an awesome session you'd be doubting your decision to move on. This just made the parting a little less painful.

Well except for the session itself.


Cosmic Pig
April 30th, 2007, 11:03 PM
THAT was funny.

April 30th, 2007, 11:38 PM
he was dumber than a shipping container crammed full of dumbfuck,

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

great story.....

April 30th, 2007, 11:43 PM


Boo Dee Foh


May 1st, 2007, 01:03 AM
What language is that?


David Aurora
May 1st, 2007, 03:16 AM


ahh that session put a smile on my face. starting the moving/demolition process though.......uh.....so much work.....so little will to leave my chair right now

May 1st, 2007, 03:59 AM
Hilarious, and just what I needed tonight!

May 1st, 2007, 03:59 AM



May 1st, 2007, 08:07 AM
I could use more congas. :grin:

David Aurora
May 1st, 2007, 08:22 AM
EVERYBODY could use more congas!

by the way.....ive noticed reduced isolation between my main room and the smaller iso room today.....any ideas? maybe green glue would help?

on the other hand, people are always raving about having line of sight when tracking....

May 1st, 2007, 08:33 AM
Not wasting any time, are you? Sheeesh, must make you sick to take a crowbar and sledgehammer to the place. Then again, might be kinda fun (for a few minutes, anyway). You know, we don't tend to build these facilities with flimsy construction (my own little room here at the house is easily the best built room in the joint), so I imagine it must be a real pain to tear it down.

David Aurora
May 1st, 2007, 11:58 AM
the back room in that pic is now just a frame. i rule.

except i wont have a skip for the plaster to go into til thursday. whoops :lol:

Scratchy Potts
May 1st, 2007, 12:19 PM
the back room in that pic is now just a frame. i rule.

except i wont have a skip for the plaster to go into til thursday. whoops :lol:
I guess you dont understand the genre Dave?
you realy fucked the kick sound up!!...:Roll eyes: more padding dear boy,,,:Thumbsup:

Tim Halligan
May 1st, 2007, 01:51 PM
the back room in that pic is now just a frame. i rule.

except i wont have a skip for the plaster to go into til thursday. whoops :lol:


...the best thing about Irish jokes...



May 4th, 2007, 07:56 PM
clap clap clap


May 8th, 2007, 04:41 PM
I guess you dont understand the genre Dave?

I know I'm not the Dave you're talking to here, but for what it's worth, I don't understand atonal bongo driven drunk muppet music, either.

And Dave, if you ever find yourself on this side of the planet, you're welcome in The Fort! :)