the jokes thread

[pounce]

we've been open for a while, it's time for the jokes thread. i'll start.



when you are winding up your cables at the end of the night and they are a little wet, how can you tell if it's alchohol, urnine, or vomit on them?









the taste!








how do you sell a car to a monitor engineer?





DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CAR!



how many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?







none - thats lighting






what's the difference between a sound guy and a lighting guy?







the sound guy can run lights







what do you call a musician in a three piece suit?







a defendant






what do you throw a drowning guitarist?







an amplifier






how do you get a guitarist to turn down?







put sheet music in front of them







did you hear about the bassist who locked his keys in his car?






it took two hours to get the drummer out of it








how do you get two violinists to play in unisyn?




shoot one of them







a little boy asked his parents if you could get pregnant from anal sex
the parents said sure you can, where do you think lead singers come from?






how can you tell if there is a drummer at your door?




the knocking speeds up





why do they make truss out of aluminum?




so it doesn't rust up while we are waiting for them to fly that shit

[jerryskid]

I think I got this from the other place awhile back...It's a great joke so I hope I didn't steal someones thunder:




A musician who's spent his entire life trying to get a record deal is feeling extremely depressed. He's been turned down by every record company he's ever contacted. No one seems to recognize his unique genius. So, he decides to top himself and comes up with an ingenious plan to get back at all the record companies who've rejected him all of his life. He books time at a recording studio, and instructs the sound engineer to record everything he says, and every sound he hears, and then copy it all onto 1000 CDs, and send a CD to every record company executive on the list that he hands the engineer. The guy walks into the vocal booth; the red light is on, and he begins...
"This is a message for all you sycophantic, talentless, stupid record company jerks who've ignored me for all these years. I've dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-searching music, and all you bastards do is discard my tapes, never return my 'phone calls, and sign these horrible, no-talent, ridiculous, dumb bands, and these filthy, dirty rappers! Well, you bunch of morons, you parasites, you dumb pricks; I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's you who have driven me to this! Good-bye you murderers of art!"
With that, he pulls out a gun, puts it to his head and blows his brains out. The sound engineer glances up and says, "Okay, that's fine. I've got a good level. Wanna go for a take?

[jerryskid]

What weighs 20,000 lbs. has 80 legs and 17 teeth?














The front row of a Toby Keith concert !!!!!!!!!

[Droolbucket]

Here's another old classic, so forgive me if you've seen this one before:

A young trumpet player is desperately searching for his big break. He's devoted untold hours practicing and transcribing, playing clubs, networking, perfecting his craft, and still can't find any gigs. Just when he decides he's going to have to give up the music dream and get a day job, his phone rings. It's a producer the trumpet player has never heard of, but he's asked to do a movie soundtrack gig that pays pretty well.
The young trumpet player shows up at the studio, and nails every cue put in front of him. Then, just when he thinks he's got it wrapped up, the producer asks him if he would like to improvise a solo. The trumpet player gets to blow for 15 or 20 minutes, and he's in the ZONE. He plays better than he's ever dreamed of playing, and when he's done, he gets smiles and thumbs up from everyone in the booth.
The producer calls him later that month, and tells him when the movie release date is. The young trumpet player shows up at the theater in his best suit. The theater is kind of old and run down, but was obviously a premier theater in its day. The young man seats himself behind an older gray-haired couple, and waits anxiously for the movie to start.
The movie turns out to be porn. Not just any porn, but sleazy, greasy, whips-and-chains midget porn. Just when the young man thought it couldn't get any worse, a dog joins the fun onscreen. Overcome with embarrassment, the trumpet player leans forward to the older couple, and whispers, "I'm just here for the music!"
The old lady turns and says, "We're just here to see our dog!"


Droolbucket

[G. Hoffman]

Still my favorite stagehand joke:


A woman comes into a police station and, sobbing, walks up to the duty sergent.

"Sargent," she says, "I've been raped by a stagehand!"

"How do you know it was a stagehand?" he asks.

"Well," she responds, "First, he asked me how to do it. Then he asked me to show him how to do it. And then, when it was all over, he asked for a tee shirt!"



Gabriel

[pounce]

if you are going to tell that joke right there better be a coffee break in there somewhere.

[G. Hoffman]

if you are going to tell that joke right there better be a coffee break in there somewhere.



I didn't say it was a UNION stagehand!


Gabriel

[blackieC]

Okay, a couple of creakers that bear repitition.



Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?



A: One. He just holds up the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.





Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?



A: Ten. One to do it and nine to stand around watching saying, "Meh, I could do that".

[bunnerabb]

How do you geta drummer off your porch?



Pay him for the pizza.

[graveleye]

two horn players walk past a bar...

[EyreSpace]

Magicchord shared this one on another forum:

A Turkish drummer has had a lifelong ambition to visit America to study Jazz drumming with his idols. In order to earn enough money for the venture, he has joined 'Abdul Ahmed's Club Date Band' which specializes in Turkish folk music, and is much renowned in the circuit of well-paid society gigs.

Having saved enough money, he leaves the band and moves to New York where he takes private lessons from his favorite drummers, Elvin Jones and Steve Gadd.

After two years of hard study and penniless, he returns to Turkey, where
necessity once again forces him to join the famous Abdul Ahmed. Eager to show off his recently acquired jazz licks, the drummer crams every available space in the arrangements with fills and breaks of astonishing complexity, displaying all of his breathtaking technique.

After enduring an hour of deafening pyrotechnics, Abdul Ahmed approaches the drummer during intermission, and takes him to one side.

"You know, I think what you are doing is very nice. Very, very nice," he
says smiling patiently, "but all we need here is a simple backbeat on seven and thirteen."

[graymc]

Four retired symphony violinists are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida. They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

Old Timers Bar

ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in
and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis -- shaken, not
stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, and then look at each
other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish
their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,
"That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story," the bartender said. "I'm a retired tailor from Boston,
and I always wanted to own a bar.

Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at
their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of
the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered
anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks
the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired jazz musicians; they're waiting for
happy hour at 5 o'clock when drinks are half price."

[Johnny]

A Turkish drummer has had a lifelong ambition to visit America to study Jazz drumming with his idols, etc.

That's great.



What is the definition of "perfect pitch?"


Throwing an accordion in a dumpster and having it land on a banjo.

[solomon2]

A bass player is tired from so many gigs and decides he needs some time off. He reads in the back of the Union paper an ad for "Bassplayers only, take a relaxing river cruise. Tour the Mississippi River, only $100." Thinking its a great deal he calls up. "You a bassplayer? You own an acoustic bass? You got $100?" The bass player answers yes to all three questions and is told to meet by a dock on the riverfront. He shows up and shows them his upright and his hundred bucks. Next thing he knows someone hits him over the head and he goes out. He wakes up later, tied to the back of his bass, floating down the Mississippi River. This goes on for a couple of hours when he sees another bass player tied to the back of another bass. He calls out to the bassist "do you know when they feed us?" and the other bassist answers "they didn't last year"

[Jason Phair]

What's the hardest part about being a lighting guy?

Having to tell your parents you're gay.

What's the hardest part about being a video guy?

Having to tell your parents you're dating a lighting guy.

What's the hardest part about being a soundguy?

Having to tell your parents that you work with those two.




If it's wet, drink it.
If it burns, smoke it.
If it moves, fuck it.
Anything else, throw it in the truck.

[Tim Halligan]

Why do roadies only count to two during mic checks?

Because on "three", you have to lift something...


Cheers,
Tim

[dumbass]

Didja' hear the one about the banjo player who went into the music store and left his banjo in the back seat of his car?



He came back only to find his window broken out...









and two more banjo's in the back seat!

[Tim Halligan]

The definition of a gentleman is someone who can play the accordian...






...but doesn't.


:D



Cheers,
Tim

[dumbass]

What's the best thing to use a banjo for?










firewood

[dumbass]

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?


Five; one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow their way into the spotlight.

[Droolbucket]

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?


Five; one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow their way into the spotlight.


I passed this one on to a few musician friends, and I got this back from a vocalist:

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?


One, but it takes him right up until showtime so he can't carry in anything else!:lol:

Droolbucket

[dnafe]

I passed this one on to a few musician friends, and I got this back from a vocalist:

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?


One, but it takes him right up until showtime so he can't carry in anything else!:lol:

Droolbucket

Nope, Sorry, Wrong!

I really must protest, trying to foist a perfectly good lead vocalist joke on a drummer.

Nope not gonna happen on my watch!

:D

[Droolbucket]

Nope, Sorry, Wrong!

I really must protest, trying to foist a perfectly good lead vocalist joke on a drummer.

Nope not gonna happen on my watch!

:D

I've listened to your Cape track, dnafe. You are officially exempt from any drummer joke I happen to tell! You put down a killer track, and played with a lot of taste. Neat stuff!

Not to get all sentimental, but I've always considered myself lucky to have played with some really good, talented drummers. I'm the world's worst rhythm guitar player, so if the drummer isn't rock steady, I'm screwed. :Uh oh:

Droolbucket

[dumbass]

What's the difference between a banjo player and a terrorist?



Terrorists have sympathizers.

-----

What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?





Drool.

[Fulcrum]

You asked for it.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the accordion?
It saves time.

How can you tell when a bagpiper is playing out of tune?
His fingers are moving.

Why do drummers have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune that even the lead singer noticed?

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request full cut.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.


Finally:
A few years ago, the Seattle Symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th Symphony. There's an extended segment of this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

There used to be a tavern right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"

The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.

While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Because...

It was the bottom of the ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.

[Fulcrum]

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

=====

This trumpet player is on the phone with his agent, concerned that he hadn't had a gig in a while.

Agent tells him, "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."

Trumpet player is astonished. "What does that have to do with my playing?"

The agent replied, "Look, the gig pays a hundred bucks for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing."

At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck.

He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep.

This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.

He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt". He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him.

He starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. Finally the lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.

One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over."

=====

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he lurrrved it.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's been scientifically proven that chimpanzees can communicate with humans.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
(a) The doorbell drags, or
(b) His hat says "Domino's".

How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
(a) "Hi. I played that last year." or
(b) "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

=====

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist.

At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

=====

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."

=====

~ The Jazz Guitarist's Dilemma ~

If you have a lot of chops and use them..."He plays too many notes."

If you don't have a lot of chops... "He doesn't play enough notes."

If you're a high energy player... "He doesn't play with enough feeling."

If you play with lots of feeling... "He's too damn sappy."

If you like a fat round sound... "His sound is too fat."

If you thin out your sound... "His sound is too thin."

If you play a lot of chordal solo's... "Why does he play so many chords?"

If you chord work is sparse... "He doesn't play enough chords."

If you use heavy strings... "Why does he use such heavy strings?"

If you use lighter strings... "He should use heavier strings to sound better."

If you sit and play... "Why doesn't he stand?"

If you stand... "Why doesn't he sit?"

If you smile... "What's wrong with him?"

If you don't smile... "What's wrong with him? "

If you play two measures in octaves... "Wes was obviously a big influence."

If you play more than two measures in octaves.... "You sound just like Wes."

If you like to play "out"... "What's he doing, can he really play?:

If you play " inside"... "Yeah! But can he really play?:

If you play an Archtop... "Why does he need such a big guitar?"

If you play a solid-body... "That's not a jazz guitar."

If you're not a good reader... "He can't read."

If you're a good reader... "Why?, some of the best players couldn't read."

If you like to dress up and look neat... "Who does he think he is?"

If you don't look neat... "He's still a hippie."

If you grow a beard... "What's he hiding?"

If you're clean shaven... "He doesn't look like a jazz musician."

Finally

You introduce yourself as a jazz guitarist... "Oh Christ! Not another guitar player!"

[G. Hoffman]

Which is bigger, a violin or a viola?


Neither, the violinist's head just makes it look smaller.




Gabriel

[solomon2]

How can you tell the trombone players kid at a playground?


He knows how to use the slide but he just can't swing.

[JRjr]

oh i have to join in on this...

...Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one...but the rest of the band stands around and complains about it being electric.

...The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

...What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

...What do a vocalist and a terrorist have in common?
They both blow bridges.

...How many country and western singers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Ten. One to do it, and nine to sing about how good the
old one was.

...A chick singer is always calling tunes in strange
keys. One day during a rehearsal the piano player in
the band has had enough:
Pianist: Why the heck do you want to sing the tune in
D? Why not take it up a semitone and do it in Eb?

Singer: Eb? Isn't that faster?

[JRjr]

...Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Only amateurs change light bulbs; pros know that it's the room that really needs work.

...Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Since it's analogue, leave it broken and replace it with the latest digital bulb from
Alesis.

[jerryskid]

A few more:

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar



Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them


How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.


"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why do drummers leave their sticks on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.


A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums!


"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

What do Lead Singers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

[elborgan]

How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
















Just one more...


(Hey, come on it's sort of related!) :Roll eyes:

[CloseToTheEdge]

meh! here's a few more:

http://womb.mixerman.net/showthread.php?t=892