Bubba's No Guts, No Glory Cranberry Sauce

[bbkong]

Damn, I almost forgot about this.

I had to go dig it out of the old Amiga in the closet, but since it got rave reviews last year I thought I'd throw it up again for your convenience. We're cutting this recipe in half this year.
Last year the leftovers set up like concrete and I had to toss the whole bowl.

Bubba's 'No Guts, No Glory Cranberry Sauce'

3 C sugar
2 navel orange
1 t grated ginger
8 C cranberries
1 1/2 C (2 oz.) toasted pecans
1 bottle of fresh Gran Marnier
1 shot glass




As all recipes are a mixture of give & take and some experimentation just must go on, keep that in mind as we begin this adventure and you should come up with a bucket of that red gelatinous goo that grandma used to make, back before they figured out how to puree it and stick it in a can. (disgusting, eh?)



To insure the quality and freshness of your ingredients, check the sugar tin for weevils, the cranberries for bugs and above all the freshness of the Gran Marnier.

Go ahead, open it and have a shot. Does it have that royal sweetness on your tongue? Does it make you want to reach for your mink lined satin robe and gather your minions for a speech?

No? Then have another shot and we'll proceed.



Grate the orange peel and add to a pot with the sugar and ginger. Use a tool called a cheese grater. The peel must be finely grated, or you risk biting into a chunk of some sour ass shit down the road. We're looking for flavor here.

Have another shot, you'll need it for this next step.


Add the juice from the orange into the pot. Definitely not the easiest thing in the world if you don't have something that looks like a juicer, whatever the fuck that is. Tip: putting it in a freezer bag and stomping on it doesn't work. A trip to the garage for a pair on C-clamps and a couple of chunks of fresh clean pine board did seem to get the job done, though.

Now, add the sugar and ginger to the pot and turn on the fire kinda low.

Have another shot and mop up the orange juice off the kitchen floor.

By the time you're done with that the sugar will have melted and you'll have something in the bottom of the pan that looks like runny marmalade and pretty much tastes the same.

Before the sugar starts burning, frantically pull the bags of cranberries out of the fridge, wash 'em and measure out 8 cups.
A coffee cup will do if you're not a caffiene junkie with a quart jug. Now pour them into the pot with the marmalade.


Pour yourself another shot and relax for a moment. At least until you realize the pot isn't big enough, so pull down a bigger pot and transfer all the contents, making sure you get all the goo out of the old pot.

Now you just have to wait, stir and simmer until all the cranberries pop open.

Have another shot.

Give it a real good stir and make sure all the berries have popped open, but you don't have to make a federal production out of it.

Have another shot, turn off the heat. We're almost there.


The recipe calls for crushed roasted pecans, so tear the kitchen apart looking for the meat tenderizer (who uses those things anymore?) and then go back to the garage and break out your framing hammer. These tools are very similar in design and effect.

Once you crush the pecans, fold them into the red gelatinous goo.
Then sweep up the glass from the mixing bowl you just shattered with the framing hammer.

You have to move a little faster now, or the stuff will start setting up like drywall mud.

Quickly take two more shots and pour the rest of the bottle into the goo. Stir until it's completely mixed.

Pour it all into a big bowl, cover it with Saran Wrap (a skill that I will go into at a later date) and stick it into the fridge.


Now, break out the hose, rinse out the kitchen and remove all evidence of your mayhem before your wife gets home.

While you savor your accomplishment, try to come up with a good alibi for the missing mixing bowl.

You're done!

Bon appetit!

[nobby]

Add a cranberry to a fifth of Royal Crown.

:Wink:

[Thumper]

Add a cranberry to a fifth of Royal Crown.

:Wink:

Do you mean Crown Royal, or the cola that's becoming hard to find?

[bbkong]

Add a cranberry to a fifth of Royal Crown.

:Wink:

You know I wouldn't sully my whiskey like that.

Now that I think of it, I came up with a Christmas drink recipe last year too. Back to the closet...

[nobby]

Do you mean Crown Royal, or the cola that's becoming hard to find?

D'OH! Yeah, I meant Crown Royal. Obviously I don't drink the stuff too often. Bubba on the other hand washes his car with it.

Not on purpose, when his guests get tipsy they spill a bit.

And I forgot all about soda. Wash your mouth out with Fresca for even bringing it up!

[bbkong]

Royal Crown, Crown Royal, either way.

Drink enough of it and you can read it upside down too.

[jerryskid]

Jerryskid's Perfect Martini Recipe:


1 shaker of ice
1 5th of gin (I prefer Beefeater)
1 bottle of vermouth (doesn't matter)
1 Table

set the bottle of gin next to the bottle of vermouth so that they are almost touching
shake table vigorously so that the bottles clink together several times
pour 1/2 of the gin into the shaker of ice
let stand 3 mins
pour into martini glass and drink
repeat if necessary.....




enjoy

[bbkong]

Damn, Jerry, why you gotta start a fight in my cramberry thread?

:grin:

[BigBubbaJ]

That sounds like a great recipe.

[QweziRider]

Hooooo yeah, this cranberry recipe worked just fine! Bird's in the smoker, cranberry's done, pie's next up. The only thing that could top off this day is.....a bottle of Crown! Hmmmm........

[QweziRider]

Just as good a year later.

[bbkong]

Oh fuck me,I forgot about this.

I'm off to Von's. brb

[magicchord]

I had some of this last year; it's damn good!

[Anduin]

Damn,

I just figured out that when people refer to "Bubba" around here they mean you. Duh on me.

And don't ask me how long it took me to clue in to "Goes211." Gee oh ee ess two hundred and eleven? WTF?

[bbkong]

There's only room for one bubba in this town, pardner.

DRAW!

[Anduin]

DRAW!

http://www.etchy.org/

[bbkong]

Cool!

I just did this:

[Anduin]

Cool!

I just did this:

??

Some guy with his head half eaten by The Blob?

Impressive!

[bbkong]

Well, it was supposed to be Lincoln but my mouse has the flu.

[Anduin]

Well, it was supposed to be Lincoln but my mouse has the flu.

Actually, I'm almost frightened to admit that I did recognize the young feller. Believing you drew it, however...

[e-cue]

Back to the closet...

I must have missed when you finally came out.

[jerryskid]

I must have missed when you finally came out.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[bbkong]

I must have missed when you finally came out.

My brother.

I splained this to you once before.

At my age, my only sexual preference is ANY.

[e-cue]

http://i240.photobucket.com/albums/ff192/thebuckster90/67774.gif

[bbkong]

bu-bump

[QweziRider]

Man, you come through at just the perfect moment. I was asked to print this off by my lovely wife and *TADAAAA*, there it is!

[Gesturizer]

I love this Doctor


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little big around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life sho uld NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[bbkong]

Well, I just tried this recipe again and I'm sad to report some slightly underwhelming results.

This may be because I ventured slightly off the prescribed methodology and used some of those fancy electronic kitchen appliances and didn't drink the required amount of Gran Marnier.

I substituted a Cuisinart for the pecan crushing and orange juicing and didn't subtract the right number of shots from the bottle, throwing the taste off just a tad from perfect.

I'll give it one more shot at Christmas and go back to the tried and true method and report the results later.

[QweziRider]

Don't go new fangled. The prescribed method worked like a charm two days ago. Rave reviews all around



I think it was two days ago.



Fuck.....I can't remember.

[Gesturizer]

it gave me diareah

(let me just say, this shit is not compatible with oysters.)

[bbkong]

Bump.

Had to come over here to find this thing again.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving!

[dwoz]

Damn...I just realized I'm out of Gran Marnier.


hey bubba!!!!!

[weedywet]

a) Americans don't actually speak English (as far as I am able to tell)

b) Americans go to church or identify themselves as "religious" far more often (by a ratio of 6:1 to 9:! depending on which survey you read) than those other countries.
I'm blaming that.



c)
Jerryskid's Perfect Martini Recipe:

set the bottle of gin next to the bottle of vermouth so that they are almost touching
shake table vigorously so that the bottles clink together several times
pour 1/2 of the gin into the shaker of ice
let stand 3 mins
pour into martini glass and drink


that may be very nice, if you enjoy it.
But what it is NOT is a "Martini"...
anymore than a recipe which puts cold tequila in a glass on its own could be construed a Margarita, by any meaningful definition.


d) if you zest an orange (or other citrus) it involves removing the zest (the coloured outer layer) ONLY.
The idea is to avoid the underlying white pith, which is the bitter bit.
If you do it correctly, and it's ALL zest with little to no pith, it CAN'T "get bitter", because you're leaving out the bitter part.
The trick is to sort of shave the fruit with the rasp or grater (the Microplane Grater is ideal, and has become the chef tool of choice for zesting; the fine mesh one*) and as soon as you see white, STOP. Once around the fruit usually does it. Just like shaving. Going over the same spot a few times irritates the fruit, or you face. (or your legs, in the case of Slipperman; not that there's anything wrong with that)


e)

Heat some butter in a medium saucepan.
Add a little finely diced mirepoix (onions, celery and carrots) and a pinch of salt and cook until soft.
Turn up the heat and add a little alcohol.
Red wine or port works. So does Gran Marnier. I like Limoncello a lot for this. Or Lillet if you like it a it more bitter.
Reduce it down until almost dry.
Add a little cinnamon and allspice and a bit of ancho chile powder.
Add about a cup or so of cranberry juice and bring it to a boil.
Strain it.
Put it back on the heat and add a package of cranberries and a handful of sugar, and cook over medium heat until the berries open and soften.
Add some orange zest and stir through.




*
http://www.amazon.com/Microplane-46720-Premium-Zester-Grater/dp/B001VGS1M6/ref=pd_sbs_k_1

[QweziRider]

Bump.

Had to come over here to find this thing again.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving!

I'm a week ahead of you - less the bump. This will go fabulously with the Hurricane Turkey (http://www.thesmokering.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1701) in a couple days.

[nobby]

You guys seem to have a lot of time on your hands.

Just open the damn can and wait for it to plop out.

Resembles a cylinder from a small block v-8 in both appearance and flavor.

Which doesn't matter to me since I always skip the cranberry sauce.

Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, corn, pumpkin pie, and too much wine.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[weedywet]

Just open the damn can and wait for it to plop out.

Which doesn't matter to me since I always skip the cranberry sauce.


Cause

Effect

[eagan]

Plus, if you slice it up in thin little discs, you can leave the uneaten portion (and there is always a considerable amount.... go figure), let it set up for a while, and leave it around a workshop to use as custom gasket material.


JLE

[John Eppstein]

I'm with Nobby on this one.....

[nobby]

Cause

Effect

LMAO!

That did occur to me. I like cranberry juice if I can get it without high fructose death syrup. If you have homemade, bring a sample to the radio show. Otherwise, I won't know what I'm missing, and won't miss what I'm not knowing.

Plus, if you slice it up in thin little discs, you can leave the uneaten portion (and there is always a considerable amount.... go figure), let it set up for a while, and leave it around a workshop to use as custom gasket material.

I think one cranberry sauce/automotive reference was probably one too many as it is...

[weedywet]

know what? remember I am old and decrepit.

so REMIND me just before the radio show

[nobby]

know what? remember I am old and decrepit.

so REMIND me just before the radio show

No problem.

Just remind me to remind you.

[bbkong]

Have a bump.


Oh shit, I just remembered the '80's all over again.

[weedywet]

No problem.

Just remind me to remind you.

I return from touring Dec 20 or 21

remind me THEN

it won't keep if I make it now!