Ridiculous Spam Email Thread

[crunch]

Hello.

My name is Crunch, and I get a lot of spam email. A LOT. Try 300 pieces a day. At least. Every now and then I get some so ridiculous in nature that they must be shared to be appreciated.

I present to you the following for your review:

FRANK

Our attorneys just found a loop hole in the bank laws. Using this
discovery, we have been successful at totally eliminating peoples
creditcarddebt without them paying another dime. We GuaranteeThat we can do
this for you.

Contact us at:
561-282-9476


Then I will decide whether to destroy you with the others or not. Lie all time

:icon_eek:

Tough call...

[malice]

Can they enlarge penises as well ?

malice

[crunch]

Mine enlarges all by itself.

:Thumbsup:

Call them and ask! Whether it's legal loopholes, fixing an election or enlarging an erection, I'm sure those Florida attorneys can do it all!

:lol:

[magicchord]

Your wife complains to headache each evening?
Your girlfriend says about "pressing business" too frequently?
Girls on beach don`t pay any attention?

CHANGE IT!

Change half millimeter thickness of your wallet to additional inches
of your tiger cub! Find "Pe~nis Growth Patch (TM)" on our site
and stop think about "small size". From this point you will have
one issue - select between brunette with nice tits and long-legged blonde!

Deeper, longer and more strongly!

http://www.hihiko.com/?189&ffgg


But won't this make my wallet even thinner?
:Uh oh:

[MacGregor]

Can they enlarge penises as well ?

malice

You know, I've quite a problem with this:

I've answered to a couple of those "enlarge your penis by 2.5 inch" emails and
having now a monstrous 20 inch snake with "750% more ejaculate [guaranteed]",
not to mention the "cup D breasts enlargement" I got last year I'm a bit, hmh, front heavy.
It's "rock-hard for days" now and I can't stand upright anymore...

[malice]

btw, I searched for VfGRA and cannot find any info on this drug, anyone has a clue ?

malice

[PRobb]

Here's one I just got. This is the entire message.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,C:H:E:C:K,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
ah us ty mm al td ep vh ag
su ga zeee ok yk ch eq jrg ymp
fd vj tg yc jv yo vp km zgdadmrv
dh kr lclyea fp wv ja au ln bh bn
gmdu nw vs he kb ay nq ak fa ko
lt er pu kqvyfs pz ovsc dn oj


ri lh yp jc fvzw zogle kq
an tq wj egpk kz se fv vp hblm
cr ju ls zr ji uj jj ko nc ji
wd rf sw cwwrqj ui ecx mvhue lexkdx
evnu fz ha ei gc ef og py lc dk
mf fl qd bp puom ot vk si po


fypp xi ze ki qz lwgy
in pt xq gevp bq ke at zj
hp ym mh pq pe ur kik
tc lj ptecon lt iq iui
nr qq nm it lo cw bt bo ly qt
rlpn is ii pk nteynd fa wpti


rv lg pa dn gt jj hu wu
vf ju gfmp xlj bh bifl fp ly
bfr wq ij xgnbzk xo kp aqx
tiu ffrdpe btzppp cbisjv lus
os pa fq re vq zdh zq lq au ac
ov db oh el od nj qa qs ll mb

What the fuck is that? It's just spam for the sake of spam! I've seen reports that say up to 90% of E-Mail is spam. Sure looks like it to me.

The best solution to this is micro charging for E-Mail. Let's say we charge $0.0025 for every E-Mail. If you're in a band and send a mass mailing to 400 people, it will cost you $1. Insignificant.
If you're a spammer, sending a million E-Mails will cost you $2,500. Not so insignificant.

[eagan]

I think it has some relation to that temporary "p3n1s" enlargement I keep getting email about, whatever a "p3n1s" is.



Isn't "ridiculous spam" a bit redundant?

How many people still bother taking the time to read the shit, anyway? I know obviously there can be a certain amusement factor to it if you're in the frame of mind for it, but I just let the spam filtering do its job and occasionally check before emptying the "Spam" mail folder when I see something that might actually be a real mail that got dumped by mistake.

(...and just as a public service announcement, the built in spam filtering in recent versions of Netscape's email and now Thunderbird [Mozilla] works pretty well. Only problem now is these dickheads who decided they would get around text analysis in spam filters by putting text in a graphic image embedded in the email)


JLE

[jerryskid]

spam spam spam spam

[eagan]

Oh yeah..... just thought of this one, kind of relevant on this board.

Mailing lists by email are a useful thing when it involves people who really want to hear from you about what's going on now and then.

Obviously useful all around for music promotional stuff, again, when you make sure it's wanted.


Then there is the fuckwad approach.

Some time ago, after I had signed up as a registered user for a web-based forum on a website devoted to local music in this area, unfortunately, I started getting the occasional new class of spam. Spam that, it was easy to deduce from the senders and contents, had to have been a result of somebody getting my email address from that particular forum operation.

I got a classic one day. Actually, I got a few from these guys.

Apparently, there is a "tribute band" pretending they're Poison (remember them?), and calling themselves.....












































....wait for it.......
















































"Posin"



Yes, please, enjoy the humor of not just the idea that anybody would want to be a "Poison tribute band", but then also calling themselves "Posin".

It's too good, isn't it?

But here's where the extra Pinhead Points are awarded.

It was not just that I had never signed up anywhere to get on the mailing list for these guys. It was that, when they sent this out, it wasn't just a simple email announcing some big upcoming "concert" (opening for some other band doing a bar gig somewhere or something stellar).

They put it all in graphic form, basically what must have been pretty much what they came up with as a poster to slap up on poor innocent walls and other public places..... and sent it out by email, as a PDF document file, that was OVER A MEGABYTE.


JLE

[Statick]

i got one recently with the subject title "Labia Panicstrike"

it's so good we're gonna start a band with that name !

[seagate]

Only problem now is these dickheads who decided they would get around text analysis in spam filters by putting text in a graphic image embedded in the email)

You can filter for those pretty easily as well, here is how to do it in Apple Mail (http://www.hawkwings.net/2006/12/20/another-mailapp-rule-to-catch-image-spam/), shouldn't be a problem to adapt for other mail apps.

:Coolio:

[bunnerabb]

Attention spammers:

My cock is big enough. Yes. I'm sure. I have many testimonials to that effect.

My credit is spotless. It's also almost non-existant and I don't need anymore 21% A.P.R. MasterCards

I don't own a home so I don't need to refinance this home.
I don't need Viagra, I need the antidote.

I don't want a Russian bride unless she comes with a tractor and a mule.

I don't need a R0~lex watch. I have a watch I bought at a Sunoco station for 13.00 bucks and it keeps time perfectly. Attractive, too.

I don't want to make a million dollars overnight. Well, not for you, anyhoo, shit for brains.

I don't have a Chase account that needs it's password updated. Especially when the return path is "scamming cocksuckers@nosuch.com".

My PayPal account cannot be "updated" at no.fuckingclueatall.com/~paypal

Get jobs.

They actually pay money if you show up.

[Kenny Gioia]

Spam does suck.

I use SpamSieve for Mac. It identifies every single word in each email and assigns it a percentage of being spam or good.

It does a really good job.

But lately I've stopped caring.

You see…

I've recently helped a prince from Nigeria recover $30,000,000 of his families money from their bank. I made a rather large investment and now it's gonna return 10X as much.

I can't wait. :lol: :lol:

[blackieC]

Yeah, uh, let us know how that works out for you, Kenny.




I haven't got any mail from a Nigerian Prince in a year or so and I'm starting to feel that I got left out of a pretty sweet deal.

I do however get frequent emails at my work address informing me that the company webmaster has updated my password and all I have to do is open an attachment to set everything right.


You know, except for the fact that I know the company "webmaster" is a complete moron that couldn't catch bird flu in a room full of Chinese chickens, let alone a viral attack.


How do these fuckers sleep at night?

[Johnny]

How do these fuckers sleep at night?
AmBi3n

[crunch]

AmBi3n

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Johnny]

What is truly horrifying is that, if the "market" is any indication, our society is going to become one of oversexed speed freaks with gigantic genitalia. I mean, more than already.

[MudCat]

I don't need Viagra, I need the antidote.



:grin:



Got one yesterday.....Subject/ Monday plucky supersede ice-cream cone.


Do they allow asylum patients to play with computers these days? Sheesh.

[DPower]

These are the ones that get me...

with the Greek and Roman authors, that they, call them by certain names be of great use to you. Attend chiefly to those in which the great powers He is a machine, little superior to the court clock and, as this points good-breeding and circumspection which are necessary, and only to be
experience can suggest, may probably not be useless to you. have been undisgraced by those extravagancies, and that nonsense, with rules to direct your study of it. It begins, properly with Charlemagne, valet de chambre which is as much as to say, that he will curl your hair
Europe, with regard to the three important points, of strength, revenue, Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only speak to decide, and own power and profit from this absurd and false principle flow the
classic in your pocket neither show it nor mention it. I cannot say that your suppers are luxurious, but you must own they are spirit, you do), it must be entirely your own doing for I may very One is, 'La Maniere de bien penser dans les Ouvrages d'Esprit', written
never received I would have you, for the future, acknowledge the dates du coeur.' If he had said, instead of 'souvent, tresque toujours', I fear shifts, and have the utmost contempt for them, they find proper subjects disown your acquaintance with the ancients: but still less would I have
son of the above-mentioned Archduke Philip, the son of Maximilian. It was Second of Denmark, who was also king of Sweden, was driven out by is made a perpetual law of the empire, comes in the course of your that modesty is the surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even where you
Dresden, where you have made your first court caravanne. What inclination courage into rashness, caution into timidity, and so on:--insomuch that, purely, and unlarded with any other. Never seem wiser, nor more learned, question. The more you know, the modester you should be: and (by the bye)
experience can suggest, may probably not be useless to you. mixed up with the politics of princes and, as it always happens in reciprocally, to letters written from and to a secretary's office. in general (which are at least as often false as true), are the poor
purely, and unlarded with any other. Never seem wiser, nor more learned, you. Adieu. substance and a man of parts will, by his dexterity and management, It is time to put an end to this long rambling letter in which if any
have, I hope, I wish, I doubt, and fear alternately. This only I am sure upon, than 'la pluie et le beau tens'. himself such as pride, envy, personal pique, and disappointment. Nay, I you. Many things will happen before you can be fit for business and when I doubted of the most. She told me, that you were easy, and not ashamed: this historical incredulity. Do we ever hear the most recent fact related

Spam for spam's sake. Complete nonsense.

[Tim Halligan]

I don't want a Russian bride unless she comes with a tractor and a mule.


...please send a photo of the mule, and the tractor's service history...

:D


Subject/ Monday plucky supersede ice-cream cone.



We get these strangely titled spam-mails all the time...supposedly giving us sound, timely financial advice...then trying to get us to buy stocks on the NYSE...

...except our email addy ends with ".com.au."

















Morons. :Thumbdown:


Cheers,
Tim

[malice]

I've recently helped a prince from Nigeria recover $30,000,000 of his families money from their bank. I made a rather large investment and now it's gonna return 10X as much.


WHAT ?

I HELPED THE NIGERIAN PRINCE !


I WAS THERE FIRST !

malice

[Nigerian_Prince]

WHAT ?

I HELPED THE NIGERIAN PRINCE !


I WAS THERE FIRST !

malice

Yes, malice was there first.
And he's French, that's a big plus.
And he was the first one who helped 3x times.
I think I'm gonna marry him.

[jerryskid]

Gosh...what a lovely wedding that would be....can I attend?

[Nigerian_Prince]

Gosh...what a lovely wedding that would be....can I attend?

Yes, you can hold my, ahem, how do you name tis long thing in
your language? It's part of da dress.

[malice]

Ahem, Prince, on a second thought, I think I don't want to break kenny's heart, I know he's very much into, ahem, this long thing that is definitly no part of your dress.

Beside, I'm a happily married mouse, married to someone whom I would appreciate you don't mention that 30,000$ business of ours.

huh, Kenny, I think the Prince wanna get married ....

KENNY ?

malice

[Kenny Gioia]

LMFBO

I have to pay attention more.

[Aardvark]

LMFBO

I have to pay attention more.


A tad late for that approach don't you think?


:Razz:


The following is a true story.


Kenny, at the radio show taping smashes his skull on the $5,000 mic for a second time (Do not ask me why anyone would give Kenny a mic let alone an expensive one).

Mixerman, ever the concerned and sympathetic friend, asks...

"Are you alright Kenny? How's your head?"

Before the dazed and confused one answers three different people in the audience almost simultaneously reply...






"Too much teeth!!"




Cheers,
Aardvark
:Surprised: :lol: :lol:

[dwoz]

The gibberish emails are sent for a specific purpose. They are coded, and all the ones that DON'T bounce back as undeliverable have reached their destination, and indicate a valid email address. The ones that DO bounce back indicate undeliverable addresses, allowing the spammers to clean out those addresses.

dwoz

[Spock]

Crunch, if you have access to your mail exchanger then just add three lines to the sendmail.cf to check the address with spamhaus.org, 95% of your spam will be gone, it will never reach your server, it will be rejected, and the spamers will take you off your list quickly. It's fast easy, doesn't use a ton of resources like programs that read the whole message and try to figure out if the word penis is used too much.

A year or more a go we had a big spam problem at work. The Outlook boys were talking about what it was going to take to put up a spam filtering program, it was all gloom and doom. Lucky for us the mail exchanger is a small unix box and in 30 minutes we made the change and were rejecting tens of thousands of spam messages a day.

Related to SPAM. Telemarketers.

I hate them. I mainly want them to just go away and never call again, but I have given some of them a very hard time. One of them maybe a year ago called, and after bitching them out about the fact that they are calling someone on the National Do Not Call list, I took 5 minutes and filled out a complaint form on the FCC website.

Last week I got a letter in the mail from the state attonerny general. This can't be good. Well it was good. The FCC and state got so many complaints about this company that they nailed them, and won. The letter imformed me that I had $300.00 waiting for me becuase I had filed out the online form.

So, if you want to get these guys, phone calls or FAXes, just go and fill out the online complaint form, then let the state or feds stick it to them.

[Brendo]

Crunch, if you have access to your mail exchanger then just add three lines to the sendmail.cf to check the address with spamhaus.org, 95% of your spam will be gone, it will never reach your server, it will be rejected, and the spamers will take you off your list quickly. It's fast easy, doesn't use a ton of resources like programs that read the whole message and try to figure out if the word penis is used too much.

Is this posible with Exchange 2003?

[Spock]

Is this posible with Exchange 2003?


It has to happen on the server, and I don't think the MickySoft mail servers has a way to setup mail blackhole listing.

[AxeSlash]

For those who know our Nigerian prince/politician/bank managers well:

http://www.quatloos.com/brad-c/directory01.htm

Payback's a bitch sometimes ;)

And I think this may have been posted here already somewhere, but it's still fun: http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

[Brendo]

www.419eater.com

[CloseToTheEdge]

I too get a lot of spam. My filter catches 99.9%, but I looked in the folder tonight and found this gem:

http://67.171.229.137/images/spamexample.jpg

I guess they just generate some random shit to try to get past spam filters [not so much] and get the image to you.

Kind of like Haiku for hamsters.

[crunch]

Still, the onslaught continues... Just got this, didn't "follow up" but made me laugh anyway...

Fake Psychic Get's Girls

Girls LOVE psychics, Learn how to be a Fake Psychic TODAY!

http://www.monoousious.com/fakepsychic/

[gabby garcia]

Still, the onslaught continues... Just got this, didn't "follow up" but made me laugh anyway...
"Fake Psychic Get's Girls

Girls LOVE psychics, Learn how to be a Fake Psychic TODAY!

http://www.monoousious.com/fakepsychic/



"Now I'm the Master of Sneaky Influence!"

Your BONUS DISK INCLUDES:

Dealing with Bitches! A must have! Retail $49



:lol: :lol:

this guy has all kinds of useful "skills" available for purchase
http://www.nevadite.com/humandefense/

[crunch]

This, from "Art Hartley":

Hello! I am tired tonight. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at rptu@ShineBal.info only, because I am writing not from my personal email. If you would like to see my pictures.











bubba, is that you?

[Immanuel]

I got one, which I saved just because of the title, so I could post it here :lol:



Have you ever felt a kiss of a womb? With your new big rod you'll feel it!

explaining more than how to make money in the financial markets.58
Suddenly, his backache clears up!


Do you believe in magic? We guess you're likely to give a negative answer .
We hadn't believed, either...until the moment we tried MegaDick!
What this wonder medicine does to a male dic'k cannot be called otherwise than a Miracle!
Just picture to yourself, that your pen!s suddenly becomes longer
and thicker and makes women tremble with passion!
It's fabulous!

So, don't hesitate, work a miracle in your life with this wonder-medicine! (http://cedohc.com/)


inordinate amount of discipline, self-confidence, and basically lack ofit in the market. When Im short and the market acts a certain way, Ibelieve it. But there is something else there also. I have a reasonablyAuthor: Did you talk to him about that theory?

[crunch]

Ahhhh, good times...


Dear Friend,

I have been waiting for you since to come down here and pick your Bank Draft of US$4,500,000.00(Four million five hundred thousand dollars)but did not hear from you since that time ,then I went and deposited the Draft with Global Couriers Service Company here in Benin Republic,because I travelled to Dubai for health reasons and will not come back till next month end. You have to contact the Global Courier Service Company to know when they will deliver your package,i have paid for the delivering charges.

The only money you have to send to them is there security keeping fee which is $85.00 Us Dollars to received your package.Don't be deceived by any body This is there Contact Address Contact Dr. Laurent Guen Director Global Couriers Service Benin Republic. E-mail:(delivery.globalcourierservice@yahoo.fr ) Try to contact them as soon as possible to avoid increasing the security keeping fee.I gave them your delivering address but you have to reconfirm it to them again to avoid any mistake in the delivering.

Let me know as soon as you receive your Draft .

Thanks

Prof Nnamdi Mbutu

Seriously, can't we all just agree to block specific IP ranges till everyone gets the idea?

:finger: :Coolio: :fingerlefty:

[qharley]

Ahhhh, good times...




Seriously, can't we all just agree to block specific IP ranges till everyone gets the idea?

:finger: :Coolio: :fingerlefty:

That's working just fabulously for me, thank you very much. Just because I dare to live in Africa I have to jump though all kinds of hoops just to get REAL email to some 1st world recipients:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

THIS IS A WARNING MESSAGE ONLY.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO RESEND YOUR MESSAGE.

Delivery to the following recipients has been delayed.

<someone@someplace.nice>

The reason for the problem:
4.3.2 - Not accepting messages at this time 554-'You are not welcome here, helpdesk@someplace.nice can change this.'


What a great concept :doubledeuce:

[G cubed]

[QUOTE=....Try to contact them as soon as possible to avoid increasing the security keeping fee.I gave them your delivering address but you have to reconfirm it to them again to avoid any mistake in the delivering.

Let me know as soon as you receive your Draft .

Thanks

Prof Nnamdi Mbutu:[/QUOTE]

Oh Nnamdi.....well you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away.....

[jerryskid]

Oh Nnamdi.....well you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away.....


Oh God....you owe me a keyboard, G.....:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Spock]

Yes you can block those address, in fact they have a list that gets updated hourly with the addresses of known spammer, open mail relays, and bot infected PCs oncables modems.

Check out Spamhaus. Add 3 lines to your sendmail.cf and your are done. A little more work and you can download the list and and pump it into ipfilters to block all traffic from them.

3 years ago a group at work put in an expensive anti-spam solution. It reads all emails, looks for the right, or wrong, words, etc. It slows down everyone's mail, and real nasty spam still makes it in. In the part I control we spent 30 minutes and updated our config file to check Spamhaus.


Zero, Zero, Zero SPAM in 3 years!!!!!!!!!!!


No server upgrades, no tons of extra disk space to hold messages will queued to be scaned, no yearly updating of a software license, etc.

Cheap, clean, simple and effective.

[jerryskid]

Yes you can block those address, in fact they have a list that gets updated hourly with the addresses of known spammer, open mail relays, and bot infected PCs oncables modems.

Check out Spamhaus. Add 3 lines to your sendmail.cf and your are done. A little more work and you can download the list and and pump it into ipfilters to block all traffic from them.

3 years ago a group at work put in an expensive anti-spam solution. It reads all emails, looks for the right, or wrong, words, etc. It slows down everyone's mail, and real nasty spam still makes it in. In the part I control we spent 30 minutes and updated our config file to check Spamhaus.


Zero, Zero, Zero SPAM in 3 years!!!!!!!!!!!


No server upgrades, no tons of extra disk space to hold messages will queued to be scaned, no yearly updating of a software license, etc.

Cheap, clean, simple and effective.

As Spock posts SPAM ad for Spamhaus......:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Dave Perry]

Spam spam spam spam
Spam spam spam spam

(Come on! You know the tune!) :grin:

Spam spam spam spam
Spam spam spam spam

http://img.presence-pc.com/news/m/o/monty_python_spam.jpg

[Fulcrum]

Surely that picture indicates the Knights Of The Round Table song?

"I have to push the pram a lot!"

[Dave Perry]

There, I fixed it. :grin: