How many _____ does it take to change a light bulb?

[Charles Dye]

Please tell us your faves...




Engineers: None. It should work.

[archtop]

Soundmen.









two, two, two.

[M.Brane]

Guitarists: 5

1 to screw in the bulb, and the other four to say "I could have done it better than that".

[PSN Big Al]

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, the keyboardist does it with his left hand. :grin:


.

[Tim Halligan]

Drummers.

20. 1 to do the job...19 to bitch about Weckl getting all the good gigs.


Cheers,
Tim

[Charles Dye]

:lol: :lol:

[Charles Dye]

Moderators.




@ least three. One to screw it in. Another to take it back out. + a 3rd to move it to the lamp in the living womb.




Leaving you still in the dark.

[M.Brane]

Singers: just 1

All they have to do is hold the bulb up, and the whole world revolves around them.

[MacGregor]

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.

[blackieC]

Drummers.








None.









They have a machine for that now.

[burnsy]

Sound man : Sorry that sa lighting question . go see that twat in the corner

[Charles Dye]

Sound man : Sorry that sa lighting question . go see that twat in the corner

Now, that's funny!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[juergen]

Producers.

I don't know. What do you think?

[PSN Big Al]

Producers.

I don't know. What do you think?

LOL :Thumbsup: :lol:

[malice]

Mooks



can we change it at mastering ?

[slabrock]

Bass players










"Sorry, it was made out of glass and had a screwed metal top so i just uncorked it."

[Mixerpuppet]

Sorry....

But guitarists don't screw in lightbulbs...

They screw in hot tubs...

sauna's and backseats of drummers Volvo's

NTTWWT

[Aardvark]

Feminists.



101.


One to screw in the bulb.


Fifty to write scathing essays on the exploitation of the socket.



Fifty more to secrety wish they were the socket.


Cheers,
SensitiveVark

[Charles Dye]

Ouch. Ouch. LMAO!

Holy crap that's funny, Pigvark!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Droolbucket]

Bluegrass musicians....

None.


The light bulb shouldn't have been electric to begin with.

Droolbucket

[matt allison]

Slightly off topic....

Q. How do you know when a backing singer is at your front door?
A. They can't find the right key and are not sure when they should come in :Roll eyes:

Cheers

Matt

[tptman]

How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the stepledder. Four to hold the stepladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise.

[tptman]

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the bulb has to really want to change.

[tptman]

How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old bulb was.

[tptman]

How many republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four hundred and sixty-two.
Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, twenty-three to deregulate the light-bulb industry, sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs, fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb, forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the internet.

[Charles Dye]

Ladies + Gentz you've just witnessed a T-man triumvirate.

Thanx, T for gracing us with your wit.

Very friggin funny.

Seriously LMAO @ the republicans.



Here + DC.

[M.Brane]

Democrats: it depends.

Light bulbs are manufactured by big corporations, and consume electricity. Electricity is generated by fossil fuels, coal, and nuclear power plants. In the interest of energy, and natural resource conservation you must now submit the appropriate light request form (110V100WINC, 110VFL, 110VHAL etc), and the Dept. of Light Management (DLM) will decide if your request is valid. In the event that your request is approved a certified light inspector will schedule an appointment to investigate your lighting situation, and if upon his/her investigation determines you actually need light will submit a recommendation to the Dept. of lighting installation which will schedule an approved lighting installer to replace your bulb.

Please be aware that due to the overwhelming number of requests we have received that there is currently a backlog of lighting requests. We regret any inconvenience this may cause. Current projected time for your request to be processed is approximately 6mos.

Have a nice day!:)

[Charles Dye]

Now, see... the democrats couldn't screw the bulb, but they were just so nice while they weren't screwing.



Cuz, putting the bulb anywhere else, but actually into the socket, doesn't count as sexual relations.



Depending on what your defintion of the word "is" is.

[M.Brane]

LOL

Since we're into the political parties now...........

Libertarians:

If you can't change your own bulb you deserve to be in the dark.

Greens:

Light bulbs? We only use candles made from uncolored wax.

[jstuart]

how many Surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbub?

















Fish.


























j

[PSN Big Al]

How many potheads does it take to...um....er...mmmmmmm, brownies...

[dnafe]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Anna B]

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.


/Anna

[FajitaTone]

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?














































Hey, wanna go ride bikes?


:Roll eyes:

[Charles Dye]

LMAO!!!

:jumpingup+downguy: :jumpingup+downguy: :jumpingup+downguy:






oh yeah, we don't have any of those cool emoticons here

[emtou2u]

This is most likely incriminating...but...


How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

One. ONE!! Me! And do you know WHY? Because apparently no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They sit on their ass in the dark doing nothing...and still don't figured it out. Once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! I can't take this anymore...no one cares about me...why did you even marry me?

I'm sorry ... what did you ask me?

:lol:


RUN!

[Charles Dye]

Holy Crap!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

These are some great ones.

PMS! Love that one.

[Fulcrum]

Well, now that we're on politics, it's only right that we throw religion into the mix too.

Charismatics: Just one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to boycott the manufacturer of the old light bulb for allowing darkness to be brought into the church.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, one to pour the drinks, and six to say how much they liked the old one better.

Anglicans: The entire synod. One person to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Lutherans: Excuse me... change?

Calvinists: None. If God wants the light bulb to be changed, he will do it himself.

Amish: Wilt thou tell me what a light bulb is?

Southern Baptists: 109.

Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out.

Jehovah's Witnesses: None. The lights are on but no one's home.

TV evangelists: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Missionaries: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job.

Quakers: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Fundamentalists: THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!


Oh, and...

Lawyers: No one knows because when the light comes on they all scatter.

[Mixerpuppet]

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?

Hey, wanna go ride bikes?


:Roll eyes:

I was going to respond to this with a OCD variation only to discover the delivery must be perfectly timed. But which timezone do I use to get the desired effect. Then it occurred to me that my browser doesn't really have the text style that I like nor the correct color pallette. If I use a color scheme based upon NTSC color correction will someone in Europe really feel the full impact of the dilemma of an ODC individual trying to turn a glass sphere counter clockwise until the retaining mechanism disengages from the male appendagement mold pressed to the glass portion of the sphere.

To further complicate my response I realized that there could be a different installation procedure depending whether you choose frosted verses clear glass. A clear bulb might need to have fingerprints cleaned from it. That would require a cleaning implement and some kind of ammonia based liquid applied to the glass in a specific yet general quantity. If there is another assembly to be added after bulb installation then you could forego the cleaning. A frosted bulb doesn't show the fingerprints to the same degree.

Do I need a ladder or just a footstool? Is there a proper amount of square footage to stablize the ladder or footstool?

Before I complete the punchline I require in the following order a number of other questions addressed.

1) Is it Dark outside?
2) Is it Light Outside?
3) Is there light inside?
4) Is there dark inside?
5) What is the amount of time that you require for the beginning and the ending of the installation.
6) Do you have the correct wattage of bulb for illumination device?
7) Is it dark outside?
8) What shoes should I wear during the installation/deinstallation process?
9) Will someone be supervising?
10) Am I being paid and is it Union scale?
11) Is the existing bulb burned out?
12) Is it still hot?
13) Is the floor below tiled, carpeted, wet, dry, slanted, inside, outside?
14) Will I be disturbing the schedule of other people in the area.
15) Can I listen to music
16) What type of music?
17) Can I listen to the music loud?
18) What type of repurcussions are there if I decline to deinstall/install the bulb.
19) Do I need to install the bulb to a specific torque value?
20) Where's the manual?

If the bulb is in a string of lights like christmas tree types I'll have to make sure the string is removed first.

Is that ok?

If it's not ok Im not doing it.

Ok?

Ok

Are you hot?

Im hot..

Are you sure your not hot?

Im really hot.

Your hot aren't you?

Your shoes aren't tied symmetrically...

Do you wanna fix that?

Whats up with your hair?

[FajitaTone]

I was going to respond to this with a OCD variation only to discover the delivery must be perfectly timed. But which timezone do I use to get the desired effect. Then it occurred to me that my browser doesn't really have the text style that I like nor the correct color pallette. If I use a color scheme based upon NTSC color correction will someone in Europe really feel the full impact of the dilemma of an ODC individual trying to turn a glass sphere counter clockwise until the retaining mechanism disengages from the male appendagement mold pressed to the glass portion of the sphere.

To further complicate my response I realized that there could be a different installation procedure depending whether you choose frosted verses clear glass. A clear bulb might need to have fingerprints cleaned from it. That would require a cleaning implement and some kind of ammonia based liquid applied to the glass in a specific yet general quantity. If there is another assembly to be added after bulb installation then you could forego the cleaning. A frosted bulb doesn't show the fingerprints to the same degree.

Do I need a ladder or just a footstool? Is there a proper amount of square footage to stablize the ladder or footstool?

Before I complete the punchline I require in the following order a number of other questions addressed.

1) Is it Dark outside?
2) Is it Light Outside?
3) Is there light inside?
4) Is there dark inside?
5) What is the amount of time that you require for the beginning and the ending of the installation.
6) Do you have the correct wattage of bulb for illumination device?
7) Is it dark outside?
8) What shoes should I wear during the installation/deinstallation process?
9) Will someone be supervising?
10) Am I being paid and is it Union scale?
11) Is the existing bulb burned out?
12) Is it still hot?
13) Is the floor below tiled, carpeted, wet, dry, slanted, inside, outside?
14) Will I be disturbing the schedule of other people in the area.
15) Can I listen to music
16) What type of music?
17) Can I listen to the music loud?
18) What type of repurcussions are there if I decline to deinstall/install the bulb.
19) Do I need to install the bulb to a specific torque value?
20) Where's the manual?

If the bulb is in a string of lights like christmas tree types I'll have to make sure the string is removed first.

Is that ok?

If it's not ok Im not doing it.

Ok?

Ok

Are you hot?

Im hot..

Are you sure your not hot?

Im really hot.

Your hot aren't you?

Your shoes aren't tied symmetrically...

Do you wanna fix that?

Whats up with your hair?


you forgot to wash your hands. :icon_eek:

[Mixerpuppet]

you forgot to wash your hands. :icon_eek:

Nope....

Didn't have to...

I'm wearing latex gloves with the antibacterial coating...

and I checked the to see if I left my amp on 6 times...

I wore my degausseer out too...

[Charles Dye]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


oh... my... god...


You guyz are some funny fuggers!

[CloseToTheEdge]

Q: How many gear collectors do you need to replace a flourescent light?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

[Charles Dye]

Mixerpuppet,

Your OCD joke is an absolute riot! The detail is spot-fukin-on. And I am def afflicted with @ the very least a mild form.

But unfortunately for you... either what I'm about to tell you will ruin your day, OR there's hope for you yet + you ain't 100% over the edge.

... respond to this with a OCD variation...

It should read "... an OCD variation..."

But you knew that already + that's why you're screaming @ your computer right now.

Best of luck with it.

[Cheech]

Singers: just 1

All they have to do is hold the bulb up, and the whole world revolves around them.



HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thtats fricken funny....I dont care who you are:lol:

[PSN Big Al]

It should read "... an OCD variation..."

That's either really helpful, or really evil and cruel.

I'm rooting for evil and cruel. :Twisted:

[Charles Dye]

And cruel + evil WINS!!!


[the crowd goes wild...]


:dancingintheendzoneguy: :dancingintheendzoneguy: :dancingintheendzoneguy:

[Cheech]

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?
.














































Hey, wanna go ride bikes?


:Roll eyes:


WAIT!!! This one is even better....LOL!!!!!!

I laugh because I am pretty sure I am A.D.D. :lol:

[Charles Dye]

That's either really helpful, or really evil and cruel.

Uuh... if it helps, MP, I honestly felt real bad for ya when I saw that. I was like, "OH NO..."

But I recovered. And, of course, quickly realized I could use it to make you look stupid, and ME look SMARTer.

Hugs + Kissies,
Chaz

:littleyellowguyblowingkisses: :littleyellowguyblowingkisses: :littleyellowguyblowingkisses:

[Mixerpuppet]

Mixerpuppet,

Your OCD joke is an absolute riot! The detail is spot-fukin-on. And I am def afflicted with @ the very least a mild form.

But unfortunately for you... either what I'm about to tell you will ruin your day, OR there's hope for you yet + you ain't 100% over the edge.



It should read "... an OCD variation..."

But you knew that already + that's why you're screaming @ your computer right now.

Best of luck with it.

Heh heh....

Im certified adhd on 100mg of Straterra and before my meds kick in I have to type and retype 3 or 4 times because Im playing desk drums at 320bpm and its not uncommon for me to violate the so called "proper form" taught by the state educational system. I'm also left handed and somewhat dyslexic so if Im pretty happy it was read-ible or is it read-able.

If you want to feel bad for me ,I waited for 30 seconds in the cold on my bike and nobody showed up... I guess the guy with only ADD is a procrastinator too...

As far as looking smarter... Congrats you also look cooler...

Im 5 foot 8 with the physical characteristics of a Prehistoric human...

Not even photoshop help the family portrait...

"Hey! who brought the chimp?"

NTTWWT

[Charles Dye]

MP, ur a funny man. Thanx for hangin!

[spkguitar]

How many Pro Tools LE users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The bulb and the socket are incompatible.


How many Sonar users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to screw it in and 9 to figure out if they should use a 32bit lightbulb or a 64bit one.


How many Cubase/Nuendo users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
500. One to screw it in and 499 to find a light bulb that hasn't been cracked.

[spkguitar]

Q: How many crew members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

A: All of them.

Bones to say "Its dead Jim"
Uhura to send a distress signal
Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian invention"
Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early demise of the light bulb
Two red shirted security men to die in the process
Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.

[PSN Big Al]

....and Kirk to get the girl.

I do HOPE you are referring to a green alien chick! :grin:

[spkguitar]

Here's one to tie into the other thread:

How many hispanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they all get drunk and shoot each other. :grin:

[PSN Big Al]

Here's one to tie into the other thread:

How many hispanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they all get drunk and shoot each other. :grin:

ROFL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Charles Dye]

DOOOOD.... u better run fast, cuz FajitaTone + con mucho gusto r coming right now to kick ur @ss.

:prejudiceguyrunninginplace: :prejudiceguyrunninginplace: :prejudiceguyrunninginplace:

[PSN Big Al]

Shakira's is not going to pleased when I tell her either!

(She's got a mean streak, even though her breasts are humble.)

[Spock]

How many country bass players does it take to change a light bulb?




1

5

1

5

1

5

1

5
6
7

1

[PRobb]

Computer programmers?

None. That's a hardware problem.



Jewish Mothers?

None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. You shouldn't trouble yourself.

[spkguitar]

DOOOOD.... u better run fast, cuz FajitaTone + con mucho gusto r coming right now to kick ur @ss.As long as they've got no guns, and ain't full of tequilla, I'm cool. ;)



And Shakira? I'd take a beating from her as long as she used the right body parts. :grin:

[PRobb]

How many country bass players does it take to change a light bulb?




1

5

1

5

1

5

1

5
6
7

1
That works better as "What is the sound of two people arguing over how many country bass players it takes to screw in a light bulb?"
One!
Five!
One!
Five!

[M.Brane]

Keyboardists: 3

1 to hold the bulb, and the other 2 to contemplate how Rick Wakeman, and Keith Emerson would have done it.

[Fulcrum]

Not true. We don't bother to change the lights because the guitarist is just going to try to steal the spotlight anyway.

[FajitaTone]

Here's one to tie into the other thread:

How many hispanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they all get drunk and shoot each other. :grin:

nice
http://womb.mixerman.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=776&stc=1&d=1168540439

:very happy:

[Scratchy Potts]

A bloke is walking down the street and meets his mate, who just happens to have only one arm.


'Hello mate, what are you up to today?' asks the bloke.


'I'm going to change a light bulb'


'Won't that be difficult with just one arm?'


'I shouldn't think so, I've still got the receipt' ,,


:Redface: .... I`ll get me coat!

[PSN Big Al]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Logan]

Radical feminists..... one, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!. Take care Logan.

[PRobb]

Radical feminists..... one, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!. Take care Logan.
We don't have a humor section, this is a feminist bookstore!

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fifty, you got a fuckin problem with that?

[idaguide]

tptman...
I gotta give it to you, guy. Hands down. Slam dunk. U WIN!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Charles Dye]

With the other light bulb thread (http://thewombforums.com/showthread.php?t=8328), I thot the time was right to dig this baby back up.

Enjoy.

[nobby]

How many DAW users does it take to change a light bulb?



None. Who needs an analog light bulb when you have the plugin?

http://www.duystore.com/com/lightbulbsimulator.html

[Charles Dye]

nice link dood... :D

[nobby]

:grin:

[Charles Dye]

New members... please share your fave light bulb jokes.

[meLoCo_go]

How many Chris Lord-Alges does it take to change a lightbulb? None. He has assistants.

[jwedaman]

Ok here it goes......

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?

Six.

One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

:grin:

Jay

[tannoy]

Ok,

...how many roadies does it take to change a light bulb ?


...5...



...1 to hold the bulb....



....4 to turn the ladder.

[Big Dal]

HEY... I resemble that remark!!!

[bitflipper]

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.

They just change the standard to Dark.

[Big Dal]

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.

They just change the standard to Dark.

and claim Dark was an undocumented feature in the previous version

[Tim Halligan]

and claim Dark was an undocumented feature in the previous version

"It's not a fault...it's a feature..."

:lol:


Cheers,
Tim

[JMP2204]

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. But the light bulb has to WANT to change.

[Oreganmusic]

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?

- Eleven. One to hold the bulb, and ten to turn the house.


Ah we really are an ingenious bunch

[Johnny]

Missed the first go 'round.

Anglicans: The entire synod. One person to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.

Ain't it the truth.

[Extreme Mixing]

What's the difference between a toilet and an engineer?




A toilet only has one guy in the band trying to shit on him at a time.

It's a tough gig.

Steve

[Charles Dye]

And what's the difference between a toilet + a monitor engineer?



The toilet only has to deal with 1 asshole @ a time.

[Dave Perry]

Also could be stated as forum moderators instead of monitor engineers.

[MKZ]

how many Surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbub?

















Fish.


























j

BUAHAHAH this one's so far the best

[tannoy]

And what's the difference between a toilet + a monitor engineer?



The toilet only has to deal with 1 asshole @ a time.


...not necessarily...

:D

[Knastratt]

How many producers does it take to change a cellar window?

One to actually do it and a few to dig a hole for the ladder.

[TubaSolo]

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

What??? You don't KNOW?!?!