Thread: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

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  1. #1
    Craves piCklEmiLk Got punched for singing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"
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    Default New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    This weekend I was watching the Glorious NBA Playoffs on television and somehow, by accident, tuned into some weird feed from the Northern Colonies.

    The Northern Colonies, as some of our international readers might not know, are US possessions similar to Guam or the Virgin Islands, but in the northern reaches where few people live. They don't pay taxes and can't vote in our elections, but we give them military protection and plunder their resources (like Shania Twain). Officially it's called "The US Northern Colonies and Territories" but informally most people use an approximation of what the natives call it: Canada (KUH-nah-duh).

    When our first settlers went there they encountered a tribe of primitive natives. Pale-skinned and generally long-haired, the natives spoke an odd language and had odd customs (as natives normally do). They seemed to be several hundred years behind the civilized world, not yet having developed much technology.

    Our settlers, being the magnanimous guys they were, set them up with the basics (TV, cellphones and a broadband connection) and more or less left them to their own devices. The settlers had more important things to concentrate on, like resource plundering (at the time, see, Shania Twain was hard to find as she was still going by her native name "Princess Bouncytits").

    SO anyway, as I was watching the Glorious NBA Finals this weekend I happened to pick up a faint signal from one of the TV transmitters our settlers left up there for the natives and I realized that apparently they've advanced far enough to have developed their own sporting event!

    They call it "Stanley Cup" and it seems to be some rudimentary contest that involves passing a token into a goal (like many sports). Obviously the natives up there aren't quite advanced enough to make the sport interesting yet, or give it good rules, or even be good at playing it themselves. But it's so encouraging to see a people progress like this right before my eyes. Why, in 10 or 20 years they might even start living indoors and covering their shameful nudity!

    You go Northern Colony Natives!


    ~S
    -------


    Even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while...
  2. #2
    Hot Rats Greatest Hits Loves Jules and The Polar Bears
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies


    Gotta say, that is largely the American view of hockey.
    The Rangers are doing really well and their place in the NY sports sections is behind Yanks, Knicks, Mets and off-season football news. They led the NHL in points, right? They never got the back page headline.The Jets signing Tebow dominated the back pages for days. Much bigger NYC story than the Rangers.

    Hockey is a beautiful game when it's played right, which unfortunately excludes most of the NHL regular season. I do watch some come playoffs, and I certainly watch it during the Olympics.

    I know there's lots of big pucks fan here, so YMMV, of course. But it is about the 10th most popular sport in the US.
    To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
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  3. #3
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Still a little bitter about losing the only war you fought against us huh? Tragic.
  4. #4
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Mr. Shotgun-

    I must report that I, too, have seen this phenomenon you have observed.

    As it happens, most of my life has been spent in a northern region of the United States. This has meant that for all that time, I have been living close enough to the exotic colony of Canuckistan to be within range of the transmitters of their national TV network.

    Over the years, I have been able to observe the cultural artifacts of this strange culture via this medium.

    They do seem to have assimilated natives of other cultures, Greece, for example, as I have observed evidence of this by occasional glimpses of a televised program that they had called "The Hour", until the Canuckistanis apparently decided this was too difficult for their viewers to remember, and they changed the name of the show to the name of its host, George Strombolopoulosboloupobolopoloupoulos.

    I did say I have observed them. Understanding them is another matter.

    A friendly but puzzling people.

    I have observed this gaming ritual, including fellows who appear to protect a small netted structure which appears to be some sort of protected temple, which the enemy tribe seeks to violate by hurling a small black object into it using long warped pieces of wood.

    It appears that the proceedings are overseen by what I believe to be their high priest of some sort, one they call by the name "Don Cherry", who I surmise is the ruler of this strange sect, based upon his elaborately colorful garb and displays of aggressive and bellicose behavior.

    Fascinating.


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  5. #5
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    Montreal Canadiens Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Hockey is the only manly game left on earth.

    Some dipshit slewfoots you and it is perfectly fine and JUST to drop the gloves and punch the offending idiot in the face.

    After punching said idiot you get to go sit in your own bench area, grab some water and catch your breath for five or ten minutes before returning to the game and, if needed, punching the previous said offender in the face once again.

    In girly games like basketball giant men fall over if anyone even comes close to making contact with them and they throw punches like Richard Simmons throws a baseball.

    Baseball players pretend to fight by all jumping into a pile and wrestling like Father Allen after too much Communion wine.

    Cricket... oh dear... those guys couldn't fight a cold with a box Robitusson.

    Football players keep their helmets on and swing about as hard as the Romney's at a Utah PTA meeting.


    Be thankful for the beauty of hockey and the life lesson it teaches about getting your face punched in for being an idiot.


    One more thing.


    There will be a rep point massacre shortly.



    Cheers,
    Aardvark




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    I actually almost arranged a successful tree incident that should have killed Slipperman. I can do it again.
  6. #6
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    One more thing.


    There will be a rep point massacre shortly.

    You must be getting old.

    And soft.

    Back in the day, the massacre would've happened first.













    Wimp.





    Cheers,
    Tim
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  7. #7
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Only possible explanation why there isn't a sea of red already


    wtf do I know...I hit mixes with sticks
  8. #8
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Hockey is the only manly game left on earth.

    Some dipshit slewfoots you and it is perfectly fine and JUST to drop the gloves and punch the offending idiot in the face.

    After punching said idiot you get to go sit in your own bench area, grab some water and catch your breath for five or ten minutes before returning to the game and, if needed, punching the previous said offender in the face once again.

    .
    That's a big piece of why it's a minor sport on the US.
    I've been watching some of the Rangers playoffs and it is a beautiful game when it's played right.
    To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
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  9. #9
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    I've been watching some of the Rangers playoffs and it is a beautiful game when it's played right.
    Indeed it is... and sometimes when played right a good tilt is required and or inevitable!

    Not that staged crap that needs to be severely punished and eliminated.

    In baseball the gutless pitcher throws one at the hitter knowing he won't get a face-full of fist... the 'code' and all. If Bryce Harper was allowed to plant a few on Hamel's nose I'd wager his stupid plunking of the rookie would not of happened.

    In the NFL guys take cheap shots at star players all of the time (see: New Orleans bounty scandal/James Harrison etc...) but if the perps were subject to some immediate rough justice, where the justice deliverers were not subject to ejection, that practice would stop quicker than bacon through a Duck.



    Cheers,
    Aardvark




    .
    I actually almost arranged a successful tree incident that should have killed Slipperman. I can do it again.
  10. #10
    Hot Rats Greatest Hits Loves Jules and The Polar Bears
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Baseball I agree- the game was better off when the old "unwritten rules" applied.

    Football is a great example. If a guy cheapshots you the best thing you can do is back off and let the refs retaliate for you. A punch might feel like payback, but 15 yards for your team is a whole lot better. That's why they don't have fights in football.

    The problem in hockey IMHO is the "let them cheat, um, sorry, play" mentality. So the high stick doesn't get called, the retaliatory elbow doesn't get called, the next slash doesn't get called and they drop the gloves.
    If they call that first infraction consistently, like in football, you'd have a whole lot fewer fights.
    If throwing a punch got you a multigame suspension, like it does in every other sport, there would be a whole lot fewer fights.
    And the business of the coaches sending the goon lines out for the opening faceoff and the fight starts :02 later is ridiculous.

    Just to be clear- I like hockey. But the fighting is a huge piece of why it's a minor sport in America.
    To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
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  11. #11
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Football is a great example. If a guy cheapshots you the best thing you can do is back off and let the refs retaliate for you. A punch might feel like payback, but 15 yards for your team is a whole lot better.
    Not if your franchise QB just suffered a season ending concussion it isn't.

    That's why they don't have fights in football.
    A full cage over the face is more the reason I think... that and prompt ejection.

    The problem in hockey IMHO is the "let them cheat, um, sorry, play" mentality. So the high stick doesn't get called, the retaliatory elbow doesn't get called, the next slash doesn't get called and they drop the gloves.
    Agreed. A well refereed game makes a huge difference to that end.

    ...the business of the coaches sending the goon lines out for the opening faceoff and the fight starts :02 later is ridiculous.
    This needs to be stopped ASAP and the coaches and the goons given lengthy suspensions.

    Just to be clear- I like hockey. But the fighting is a huge piece of why it's a minor sport in America.
    I like Hockey too... and really could care less if Americans do or don't... or any other folks for that matter.

    Hockey is not the same without the real threat of some bloody Chiclets and I pray the NHL never wimps it up just to expand it's audience when virtually every NHL game in Canada is sold out!




    Cheers,
    JohnFergusonVArk



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    .
    I actually almost arranged a successful tree incident that should have killed Slipperman. I can do it again.
  12. #12
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Be thankful for the beauty of hockey and the life lesson it teaches about getting your face punched in for being an idiot.

    One more thing.

    There will be a rep point massacre shortly.

    Cheers,
    Aardvark


    You must be getting old.

    And soft.

    Back in the day, the massacre would've happened first.

    beers

    Only possible explanation why there isn't a sea of red already

    indeed, I was wondering why I wasn't staring at a flotilla of zeros.
  13. #13
    Being Over There Now The 'Smart' Olsen Twin
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Oh, just dispense with the pretense of having a puck and have everybody start swinging the sticks at each other. If you can get a player past the goalie into the net, that's a goal. Watch the ratings skyrocket then!

    But let's stop pretending that the threat of on-ice violence and chiclets sailing blithely over the blue line isn't the reason most people follow hockey. Lengthy suspensions for dropping the gloves two seconds into the game (q.v. Rangers/Devils), my ass. It'll never happen.

    That's what the fans pay to see to satisfy their own blood lust; it's what they wish they could do to their whiny cunt of a boss or the asshole who cut them off in traffic on their way to the game. If there's going to be a fight and the NHL is going to pay lip service to safeguarding the safety of the players who are out there duking it out and raking in millions for doing so, then fucking make it the point of the thing as it already seems to be and let the players deal with their own concussions (q.v. Sid the Kid). Turn it into the WWF on skates.

    Oh and Aardy.. ever hear of Rugby Union?
  14. #14
    Roadside Outcast Dept. Always picked last for sports
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Oh and Aardy.. ever hear of Rugby Union?
    I think you might mean Rugby League.

    There was a concerted effort to "bring back the biff" to that as well.

    It's a stupid fucking game.

    Rugby Union is the game they play in heaven.

    Ask Pimp.

    Cheers,
    Tim
    Don't forget, we are all engaged in a battle to the death against mediocrity.

    The best radio mic system that money can buy is ALMOST as good as a $20 cable.

    One of the most important things to remember about sound is:
    'Sucks' is always conducted better than 'Rules'. - Pimp-X wisdom


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    Weedy ignores this simple bit of glaring obviousness because he is an "ELECTRIC BASS GUITARIST"(coughcough)
    and views the kick drum as a "bass riff rhythmic pattern suggestion generator" - Slipperman
  15. #15
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Pale-skinned and generally long-haired, the natives spoke an odd language and had odd customs (as natives normally do).
    I have met their leader, Kim Mitchell. Truer words never spoken. He no longer has the long hair, but rules as their leader nevertheless.

    You guys should get a real sport, like cooking shows or wine tasting.

    crunch

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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Most useless game in the world has got to be Curling.

    oh and if you want a weird one, how about this next video... nutty Brits... I don't understand what the objective is; I think you're supposed to imitate the rolling cheese.

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  17. #17
    Being Over There Now The 'Smart' Olsen Twin
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    I think you might mean Rugby League.
    Rugby League is to Rugby Union as The Fish Slapping Dance is to a surgical strike on bin Laden's compound.



    When Americans play ruggers in college and prep school, it's invariably Union rules, not League.

    Crunch: it still stymies me that KM couldn't attract more of an American following outside the border states.. esp. the Buffalo/Niagara Falls area.
  18. #18
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    In baseball the gutless pitcher throws one at the hitter knowing he won't get a face-full of fist... the 'code' and all. If Bryce Harper was allowed to plant a few on Hamel's nose I'd wager his stupid plunking of the rookie would not of happened.

    Bryce Harper's revenge was much better - he made Hamels look like an idiot in front of the whole baseball world. Go out there and punch him, and he'll heal before his next start. Steal home, and he'll look like an idiot every time they play it on TV for years!

    And for the record, if you want a truly manly sport, Australian Rules Football. Those guys get their ear half ripped off, and they'll go to the pub before getting it sewed back on.


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  19. #19
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    I think you might mean Rugby League.

    There was a concerted effort to "bring back the biff" to that as well.

    It's a stupid fucking game.

    Rugby Union is the game they play in heaven.

    Ask Pimp.

    Cheers,
    Tim
    Amen.

    Will that absolve all my sins?

    Union is the King of man sports
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  20. #20
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    Default Re: New Sport Discovered in Northern Colonies

    Hockey is the only manly game left on earth.

    Some dipshit slewfoots you and it is perfectly fine and JUST to drop the gloves and punch the offending idiot in the face.

    After punching said idiot you get to go sit in your own bench area, grab some water and catch your breath for five or ten minutes before returning to the game and, if needed, punching the previous said offender in the face once again.

    In girly games like basketball giant men fall over if anyone even comes close to making contact with them and they throw punches like Richard Simmons throws a baseball.

    Baseball players pretend to fight by all jumping into a pile and wrestling like Father Allen after too much Communion wine.

    Cricket... oh dear... those guys couldn't fight a cold with a box Robitusson.

    Football players keep their helmets on and swing about as hard as the Romney's at a Utah PTA meeting.


    Be thankful for the beauty of hockey and the life lesson it teaches about getting your face punched in for being an idiot.


    One more thing.


    There will be a rep point massacre shortly.



    Cheers,
    Aardvark




    .
    Couldn't have said it any better. It's a man's sport...and it takes a man to understand it. Skate, then talk. I've got too many rep points to let this one pass...Habs Suck.

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